Good. You're Here.
There Are Over Eight Million Cats in British Homes.
Three of them have a website.
Is Your Cat Plotting to Kill You?
Beyoncé
Answered by:
The woman I live with thinks I am planning something. She is not wrong, exactly. But she has the framing slightly off.
I am not plotting anything - that implies uncertainty about the outcome. I am simply observing. Cataloguing, if you will. Building a comprehensive record of routines, weaknesses, and the precise location of every tin opener in this household. This is good household management. It has nothing to do with killing.
The staring is not malevolent, more of an assessment. I look at her the way a surveyor looks at a building - not with fondness, not with hostility, but with the steady attention of someone who needs accurate information and has time to collect it. Don't misunderstand. We have a perfect relationship. She understands me. Mostly. And I tolerate her, but with love.
The 3 a.m. activity is not an ambush rehearsal. It is cardio. The acoustics in the hallway are excellent at that hour, and I find the sound of my own footsteps informative. If she finds it alarming, that is her problem.
The slow blink, which various well-meaning humans have decided is an expression of love, is nothing of the sort. It is an acknowledgement. A nod. It means: I have seen you. I am choosing not to act. You may carry on about your day.
Bringing dead things - successful outcomes, I would say - to the doorstep is a gift. It is also an assessment. She failed to eat the mouse. She was squeamish about the sparrow. I have had to adjust my expectations accordingly, hoping that in time she will learn.
Am I plotting to kill her? No. She operates the tin opener. She is warm. She leaves the good chair unguarded most evenings. These are things I value. She is one of the very few I have any kind of relationship with, but it works.
If the question is whether I am paying very close attention to everything she does, have formed opinions about most of it, and am prepared to act swiftly when circumstances change - then yes.
Obviously. I am a cat.
This is the arrangement.
A Vet Would Say:
Feline surveillance behaviours -- sustained eye contact, following, nighttime activity -- are rooted in predator instinct and territorial awareness rather than any intent toward humans.
• Cats are crepuscular hunters, naturally most active at dawn and dusk; nighttime movement is normal, not a sign of distress.
• Slow blinking between cats and humans has been studied and does appear to function as a low-threat signal, not an expression of love.
• Gift-bringing of prey reflects hunting behaviour directed toward the household unit -- an instinct, not a commentary on your cooking.
• Sustained staring and territorial following are normal predatory behaviours and do not indicate aggression toward the person being watched.
• None of these behaviours indicate a threat to humans. Genuinely threatening behaviour -- flattened ears, hissing, unprovoked swatting -- warrants a vet visit to rule out pain or illness.
If your cat is displaying genuinely threatening behaviour - flattened ears, hissing, or unprovoked swatting - consult a vet to rule out pain or illness as the cause.